Fred Matthews: Ch. 4, Part 1

Another one that was written a month or two ago, mostly. Enjoy

*******

                Fred eased the weights down toward his chest in complete control, breathing in as he prepared for the final rep. He exhaled smoothly, raised the bar and brought it to rest at the top of the bench with a confident smile across his face. “You’re making this too easy, Dave. I’m 38, not dead. The least you could do is show me a little respect and make me work for it,” Fred said feigning insult.

                Dave was shocked to hear such bravado from Fred and took the jab for what Fred meant it, as a joke. “I’ll have to remember that for next time then. Maybe we’ll just have to crank this up a notch or two, sound alright to you?”

                Fred, with another out of character comment and tone, stated calmly, “Bring it on, Dave. I’m feeling better than I have in years.” It was true; Fred really seemed to have a spring in his step, a zeal for life and the opportunities lying before him. He was still waiting for the results from Ryan, but Fred was playing it off as if nothing was the matter at all.

                Dave just laughed to himself and readied the weights for his own bench press. He wondered if this had anything to with what Ryan had mentioned last week about some girl in Chicago. Dave thought he should feel it out first before offering that suggestion. “Hey, Fred, mind giving me a hand over here? And what is going on with you? Where did this new Fred come from all of a sudden?” Dave asked, trying to leave it open enough for Fred to be as honest and forthright as he so chose.

                “You know? I’m not sure. But ever since last Thursday I’ve been doing pretty well,” Fred answered as he sat back down on the bench. “I think I had told you that I was going in to see Ryan to get an MRI. There was something about being back there… I don’t know what exactly. I don’t know if it was getting out of there or getting it over with, but I just felt better when I left.”

                Dave listened to him and saw plenty of the usual Fred behind the subtle smile. He looked happier and certainly sounded more upbeat than usual. If this was about Chicago-girl, Fred wasn’t letting on, but it also didn’t appear that everything was perfect either. Intrigued by the vagueness of Fred’s answer, Dave inquired, “But something is definitely different, Fred.” He wanted to lead him deeper, find out what was going on behind the mask.

                “Yeah, I know. And I know that this won’t make much sense, but I think it’s because I was remembering all about when I had cancer and when Sarah was still here,” Fred said, still exploring that possibility himself. He was realizing that this was getting more honest than he had intended.

                Again, Dave led him onward, “Really? What about it?” He agreed that it didn’t seem to make much sense, but there was no point in saying it. He thought that Fred would explain it if he could.

                Fred sighed and took another step toward the truth, “I think it was the whole situation. I was back seeing Ryan as Dr. Taylor and nervously waiting for the scan to begin.
I was being treated with kid gloves and was talked around instead of talked to. And I was reminded of the loneliness. I had forgotten how easy it is to fall into that trap. Even when I had Sarah sitting beside me through chemo, I would feel alone. It’s the vulnerability of it.”

                Dave listened with rapt attention, not daring to interrupt. Without prompting this time, Fred continued, “Then sitting there in the MRI, the memories flooded back. I thought about when I went in for my first treatment and I held little Ellie in my arms. I thought about all of the promise that my little girl had, all of the opportunities, all of the potential futures. I remembered how my biggest fear that day was not being there to see who she would grow up to become. I dreamed that she would be like Sarah, a woman of unwavering love and integrity. It never would have crossed my mind that it was her life I should have been worried about. Or that I would be left behind, not her.

                “I know that I wasn’t remembering the pain. I wasn’t revisiting the unrelenting, indescribable pain. I know now that I didn’t remember how sick I felt or how awful it was because I don’t fear it like I did then. No, I don’t that I could fear the pain anymore, at least not after overcoming it the first time. But that is what I didn’t remember.

“As I laid there in the machine and relived all of those terrible memories, I just feared loneliness. I couldn’t and I can’t imagine having to go through all of the chemo and all of the sickness alone.  But I couldn’t tell this to Ryan; I thought it sounded ridiculous. He’s always been like a brother to me. Isn’t it insulting if I tell him how afraid I am to be dealing with this alone?” Fred asked rhetorically, pausing only to take a calming breath. “So instead, I told him what he wanted to hear. I told him that I had called Rachel and we had plans for the weekend.”

Dave chose this spot to interject with mock surprise, “Rachel? Who is this Rachel you’re talking about?” Clearly this was not the time to talk about Rachel, even if Dave wanted to have the inside scoop for once, but he couldn't resist.

“Ha ha, very funny,” Fred answered, again with feigned insult. “I know that the details of my personal life get passed around like a football. Anyway, I told him what we were planning on doing and my outlook started to change. Kind of an act positive be positive situation. It sounds a bit childish to have an epiphany about my friends and family’s love and devotion, but I had one there in the hospital. With everything I went through the first time and with the accident and everything I might have to go through now, I realized that I still have a family. I have a family of people who are obviously quite interested in my life. I’m not alone, and I know that.”

Dave stood at the end of the bench, speechless. He was never the guy that Fred confided in, but this was something that Fred hadn’t told Ryan. And now, Dave didn’t know what to say. The three guys had all grown up together and messed with each other constantly; how do you turn that off in instant? And to be fair, Dave had just been digging for the details about his weekend when he pressed him earlier, not a heart to heart in the weight room.

While Dave searched for the right words, any words, Fred started again. “But while my attitude has started to change, Dave,” he paused, looked at his friend with a steady gaze and continued with a soft-spoken seriousness, “my circumstances haven’t. I’m still a thirty-eight year old widower hoping I’m not about to have a relapse. I’m still utterly lost and confused about how to start a new relationship, how to fall in love. And frankly, I’m terrified that I’m not ready. Terrified that I will not be ready to let go of my past and I’ll end up breaking someone else’s heart. Or my own.”

“Fred?” Dave said, trying to cut in as Fred’s voice started to quaver.

“Yeah?” He responded, hopeful that Dave was going to be there for him when he needed him.

“You’re right,” Dave said nervously. “You are still waiting for that call from Ryan. And Sarah and Ellie are still gone,” He paused and saw that Fred’s worried expression hadn’t changed. “But most of all you’re right that you aren’t alone. You’ve got people that love you all around you; we weep when you weep and we rejoice when you rejoice. Never forget that.” Dave sat down on the bench next to Fred, rested his elbows on his knees and looked blankly ahead. “And never forget that you’ll get through this. You’ll come through on the other side not as a broken or incomplete man, but as the man we all know you can be, the man we remember.” Silence reigned as Dave’s words hung in the air, vulnerable to dismissal, denial and to the false humility that crushes compliments and encouragement alike.

Fred let the words linger and soak in, testing them for truth, weighing them against the doubt that he carried. When his heart told him that Dave’s sentiment was heartfelt and honest, Fred turned to him and hugged him, saying, “Thanks, Dave, I needed that.”

“No problem. But can I ask one favor?” Dave asked as he broke the hug.

“Sure thing.”

“Don’t ever hug me in here again.”

Fred looked around and laughed, “Deal.” They walked toward the locker room, forgoing a final set for Dave; the energy had changed from pumping iron to healing wounds and it didn’t feel right to try and go back. Dave was happy with the way today had gone between him and Fred. Ryan was always the heart to heart, what’s going on in my life kind of friend for Fred. And while this didn’t mean that Dave was that guy now, it at least meant that he could be that guy from time to time. That was a development that Fred was pleased about as well, though neither of them would say it; they are men after all.

*******

Chapter 3: Examinations

Fred pulled his car into the parking lot of the hospital just before 9 A.M through the spring rain. The sun struggled to break through the thin layer of clouds as the morning tried to decide what kind of day it would be. Fred wondered this as well as he walked under his umbrella toward the entrance of St. Luke's. He stepped around the puddles, lost in his own thoughts. He had seen Ryan only a few days ago, but seeing him wasn't the same as when it was doctor and patient like today. Their friendship tended to ignore the unfortunate reality that Fred was Ryan's patient, but it was easier now that he only saw him once a year in this capacity.


He checked in with the receptionist and took a seat in the waiting area. Sitting with the rest of the patients was something he always found enlightening. As a Doctor, he rarely saw the reality of the waiting room. He observed the nervousness in each face and the awkward silence that filled room despite the television and the twenty-four hour news cycle. Fred didn't dare touch the magazines though, he knew better than to give into the temptation, to immerse himself in an absent minded diversion covered in every common ailment known to man.

After about ten minutes, Ryan came out to greet Fred personally. "Matthews?" Ryan called into the waiting room, pretending not to know him for the sake of the rest of those waiting for a doctor. Fred rose from his chair wordlessly and walked over to Ryan, who was holding back a smile. "How are you doing today, Dr. Matthews?"

Fred saw the restrained smile and played along with a sigh, "I'm doing well, Dr. Taylor. And yourself?"

"Quite well, thank you. Right this way," Ryan replied as he held the door open for Fred.

When the door closed behind them, Fred asked, "You love doing that don't you?"

"Doing what?" Ryan said, playing innocent as he followed Fred down the hall. "My office is the last one on the left."

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Anyway, I'll be a lot better in a few hours," Fred said as he walked into Ryan's office. He hung his coat and took a seat and watched as Ryan did the same.

"I"m sure, Fred. I will be too. What do you say we get down to business?"

"Sooner the better."

"Agreed."

"Okay, let's see, Fred," Ryan said while looking over Fred's chart. "Looks like we haven't had you in for an MRI for about six months, sound right?" Fred nodded in agreement. "Okay, and you've been undergoing regular blood tests and had a CT scan three months ago. Your last blood test showed a slightly elevated white blood cell count. What else?" Ryan asked rhetorically as he continued to flip through the pages. But he shifted his attention to Fred, who was slouching in his chair and nodding agreement to the items listed off by Ryan. He wasn't hiding his anxiety and maybe didn't care to as he leaned slightly to his right and rested his head in his hand.

"I think you know the rest, Ryan," Fred said with some mild irritation. Sure he hadn't seen Ryan in this capacity for six months, but his health and medical history was nothing new for his best friend.

Ryan closed the folder and placed in on the desk, "You're right, Fred, I do. Sorry."

"Don't worry about it, I understand. I know this isn't easy for you either, and when I get too close to a patient I fall back into routine as well." Fred replied. "Look, we both know why I'm here and what the last test could mean. I think this will be easier on both of us if we just keep this business moving along."

Ryan smiled across the desk at Fred, "Okay. Let's do it. I'll need to take you to an exam room first, just to get your vitals and..."

"Way ahead of you, Ryan. Just show me the way," Fred answered as he opened the office door.

Following Fred out of the office, he said, "Right. You know the drill. They say that doctors are the toughest patients, but I don't think this is what they mean though. Usually you guys are trying to diagnose your own conditions and butting in on my treatments. I mean, I would never try to tell you how to do my heart transplant!" Ryan joked as he closed his office door behind him.

Fred stopped in the hall and said, "Ryan?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up and tell me what exam room to go to."

Ryan laughed, "Sorry. Room 4, on your left." He almost said something more about how this wasn't easy on him either, but thought better of it. Fred was known to become lost in his own thoughts from time to time, and a little soul searching was to be expected at a time like this. Ryan thought that it was best to give him some time, maybe Fred might open up more after he had relaxed and thought some things through.

"Thanks," Fred said. He found room 4 and took a seat inside, resting his head against the wall behind him. He thought about the blood test that had led him back here and what could be going on. He was not an oncologist and did not attempt to diagnose himself, but couldn't help but turn it over in his mind. His white blood cell count had been higher than normal, but he wouldn't have called it high. As far as he could remember, his numbers seemed borderline and shouldn't raise this level of concern; they were on the edge, but not unhealthy. But what had his dad always said? "Living on the edge means you're one step from falling off the cliff."

He also thought about the last time he had been in for an MRI, but that was under very different circumstances. Six months ago had been his final routine scan after going into remission two years ago. He remembered coming in and being excited to see Ryan and couldn't wait for it to be over and to move on with his life. Beating cancer closed a chapter in his life that he preferred to forget. Being back here and worrying cancer brought it all rushing back.

A knock came at the door and a nurse introduced herself. Fred didn't bother to remember her name and stayed lost in his own world, paying only enough attention to follow her instructions. He was anxious to be left alone again and was suddenly looking forward to the solitude of the MRI machine. Thinking about back then brought on painful memories; things too painful to try and hide, especially around Ryan. He would tell Ryan about his struggles later, he always did, but this just wasn't the time.

The world continued to move around Fred as he stayed in his memories, drowning in them. The nurse finished and mentioned his vitals in passing before stepping out of the room and closing the door behind her. She was used to seeing the blank face of someone in emotional shock before an MRI and didn't seem concerned with his mindless stare. It registered somewhere deep in his mind that he was alone again and he allowed a pained sigh to escape his body.

He stood and changed into the gown that had been left for him before collapsing back into the chair. A minute later the door opened again and a technician led him to the MRI room. Fred managed to exchange pleasantries with him, but nothing more. He laid on the table and waited for the scan to begin. The last interruption to his solitude was the technician coming to explain the process, as if Fred hadn't been here before, and to ask if he wanted the lights on or off. Fred feigned attentive listening and indicated that he would prefer the lights on.

As the lights dimmed and he slid into the machine, the present gave way to the past and he was dropped back into his treasured memories and his nightmares.



* * *



"Fred!" Sarah called from the kitchen, "It's time to go. Are you ready? I've got Ellie all set and in her car seat."

Fred came down the stairs in a pair of jeans and a comfortable t-shirt, ready and nervous for his first appointment. "Yeah, I'm ready. Just have to find those socks I left around here somewhere. You've got everything? You're ready?" Fred asked.

"I saw them on the couch, although I don't know why they ended up there. And yes, I've got everything. But I'm definitely not ready for this," Sarah explained as she put on a light coat.

"Ah, you're right, here they are. I know what you mean, though. I'm a doctor and know exactly what to expect, but you can never be ready for it," Fred said. He walked over to Sarah and hugged her. She leaned into him and relinquished a small portion of her tension and stress. "It will be okay, honey. Ryan will take good care of me while we're there and I'll have a couple of days to recover."

"I know. I know it will be fine. It's just hard having to deal with all of this, you know? You're my rock, my hero, and I just don't like seeing you like this," Sarah said. She started to pull away from the hug and with a sigh, she added, "I just don't want to lose you."

His heart sank. "Sarah. You can't think that, we have to stay positive. Attitude is so important to recovery, I see it every day."

"I know. You're right and I'm sorry," she confessed as a tear worked its way down her cheek.

"It's okay, I know it's hard. But we caught this early, we have every reason to stay upbeat, okay?"

She wiped away the tear and fought back more, shaking her hands and looking at the ceiling as she said, "Ah, okay. We have to go and quit talking about this. Come on, let's go."

Ellie was sleeping peacefully in her car carrier, like always, as Sarah brought her out to the car. Fred was behind her with a diaper bag and a few things for him in a separate duffel. Moments later, Ellie was strapped in and they were headed for St. Luke's to see his friend Ryan and for Fred's first chemotherapy appointment.

Something about this trip seemed monumental to Fred, like a turning point for his entire life. The three miles to St. Luke's was his Rubicon. After today he would be a cancer patient, a marked man. There is no back with cancer, victory or death. He faced this reality behind a veil of strength and confidence, allowing the tremors of doubt and fear to rumble underneath the calm surface.

They entered the hospital and waited to be called back. Ellie had woken up and Sarah entertained her while Fred watched the television in the corner. After waiting to be called, the three of them followed a nurse back to private room where he was prepped for the treatment.

"Do you think we'll even see Ryan?" Sarah asked, annoyed at having not seen him already. "I mean, he's your best friend, it seems like the least he could do."

"I'm sure he'll turn up. He always does. And maybe you're just taking out a little of your frustration on him," Fred answered. "And don't forget that while we are here he is Dr. Taylor, and he will treat us as a patient and family, mostly."

"Well fine. But he should still be here," Sarah conceded. Just after she said this the door opened and Ryan rushed in.



"Hey guys! How are we doing today? Good to see you, Fred, Sarah," Ryan said.

Fred looked at him and said to him dryly, "Cute, Ryan. We're doing alright, considering. Although, I would cut the crap or Sarah is going to take you down a peg a two." This cut the tension and brought a smile to Sarah's face for the first time in what seemed like hours.

"Okay, note taken," Ryan said with a laugh. Then he explained how the process was going to work and what to expect. It would take a few hours and he encouraged them to try and rest during it. Then another nurse came in and made the final preparations before the procedure and inserted the IV into his left arm.

"Any other questions before we get started?" Ryan asked.

Fred looked over at Sarah, gave her a smile and said, "No, I think we're okay."

"Alright, let's get started," Ryan said with a little excitement and he turned on the machine. "I've got to step out for a few minutes, but I'll stop back in a little while."

After Ryan and the nurse left, Sarah started to shed a few tears as she bounced Ellie in her arms, coaxing her back to sleep. "Sarah, why don't you and Ellie come over here and sit down, I'll make room," He said as he slid to his left on the propped up bed.

Sarah nodded softly and whispered through tears, "Okay." She sat gently on the side of the bed and snuggled up to him as he motioned her to do so.

Fred held her close with his right arm, kissed her on the head and whispered, "It's alright, honey. It's okay. It will be okay."

"But aren't you scared? Aren't you worried at all?" she asked.

"Sure I'm scared a little. Who wouldn't be? But I know I'll beat this. I just know it," he said. "Here, hand me Ellie, would you?"

She gave Ellie to Fred and he held her sleeping frame in his left arm, her ear over his beating heart. With Sarah nestled in under his right arm, he kissed her again on the head and whispered, "I love you." What he couldn't say was how scared he really was, how he pretended to be brave to protect her. He couldn't say how holding Ellie in his arms just now made him more afraid than he'd ever been before. He couldn't say that he'd crossed the Rubicon, and that only the conquerors made it back alive.



* * *



The lights in the room came up slowly as the table backed out of the machine, gently rousing Fred from a bittersweet memory. He buried his emotions back underneath his staunch stoicism and checked his cheeks for any stray tears that might beg for explanation and found none. He took a few calming breaths and sat up on the table, waiting for the technician to give him more instructions.

Fred listened to the clichéd message that the technician delivered to every patient and followed him back to the exam room where he was to wait for Ryan one last time before leaving. He was left alone again in dreadful silence as he changed back into his clothes. He fought against every incoming memory that threatened his confident façade as he waited patiently for Ryan. “Waiting for Ryan. Again. I can’t talk to him about this yet, I’m not ready,” Fred thought. There was a polite knock at the door before Ryan opened it slowly and entered the room. “Ryan will see through me if I don’t deflect him right away.”

“Hey buddy! How are you holding up?” Ryan asked. “Mike treat you okay?”

Fred paused just a moment, trying to read Ryan’s question correctly. Fred hoped that he only meant with the tedium of the scan and the stress of potential relapse and answered the question based on this assumption. “I’m doing well. I’m staying positive and not dwelling on it. I’ve beaten this before and I can do it again if necessary. I take it that Mike was the MRI Tech?” Ryan nodded. “Yeah, honestly I didn’t really pay him much attention. Seemed like a nice kid. I had other things on my mind.”

Ryan, not willing to miss this opportunity, asked, “Other things? You know, that as your doctor I am obligated to examine your mental and psychological state during treatment.” Fred laughed silently at Ryan’s construction of pretense for what was really a simple question. “What’s on your mind, Fred?”

“Well, I called Rachel. We’re planning getting together this weekend in Chicago,” Fred said cheerfully and slightly proud.

In sincere disbelief, Ryan replied, “No way! I don’t believe it. In all the years I’ve known you, you’ve never been the one to make a move. I remember that Sarah waited months to ask you out after finally growing tired of you dragging your feet. Anyway, continue.”

“Yes, as I was saying. I asked her out this weekend. We’re going to take in a few sights around Chicago and have a nice dinner,” Fred explained. He was slightly bashful to be talking about this with Ryan, knowing that the ribbing would only continue. “I’m sure that she’s been all over the city and the touristy things having gone to school at Northwestern, but she seems excited to show me around. It’ll be fun.”

“’It’ll be fun,’ he says. Fun. A beautiful woman… wait, she is good looking right?”

Fred laughed again quietly, saying , “Yes, Rachel is very good looking. Not that…” before Ryan cut him off.

“Yeah, yeah, not that it matters and all that, I get it. Anyway, a beautiful woman, who was all over you at the conference by the way, offers to take you around Chicago and show you a good time and you think it will be “fun”. Fun is an understatement of what this will be,” Ryan joked.

Fred stood up to leave and said with a smile on his face, “I knew I shouldn’t have said anything to you yet. It’s always a joke with you, Ryan.”

“Hey, you know that I just want you to be happy. I joke and I give you a hard time, but I just want to see Fred back to his old self,” Ryan said, dropping all the sarcasm and barbs and offered him a hug.

Fred embraced him and said, “I do, too.” The sober statement hung in the air for a moment as they separated, and then Fred spoke again, “Say hi to my little sister for me, would you? She might have gone against my wishes and married you, but I know she still loves me.”

“Ooh, ouch. Fred scores big with a right hook to the jaw. Working that angle, huh? I suppose I have it coming,” Ryan said as he turned to follow Fred out of the exam room. “I’ll tell her. But be warned, she is probably going to call and ask a million questions when I tell her about Rachel.”

“Oh man, I hadn’t even thought of that. And wait until she tells mom,” Fred groaned.

“You will have your hands full when those two get involved. If you thought I asked questions and that I have been in intrusive… But remember, we bug you and we hound you about these things because we love you,” Ryan said. Fred had stopped in the hallway, touched by Ryan’s heartfelt words. Ryan, who found the seriousness of the current situation to be more than he could comfortably stomach in his current upbeat mood, added, “I don’t know what it is about you, but people seem to like you.”

With the moment broken and passed, Fred responded, “It’s a curse.” He was more confident in his decision to pass on bringing up the past with Ryan. After all, Ryan had been there through it all, and probably didn’t want to relive the pain either. At least that is what Fred had convinced himself to believe.

 

Fred Matthews Ch. 3 part 4

     I've left my original intro onto this post, probably because I've hesitated in submitting this one for months. I believe I wrote this in June, and have been sitting on it since. The words I wrote to open the post are as true as they have ever been, perhaps more so. Below you will find the conclusion to Chapter 3. I will repost the chapter in its entirety to a separate page soon. Look for that if you are hoping to have an easier way to read all of this.


     And lastly before we kick off the long overdue part four, I want to say thank you to those of you who have come out and told me that you’ve read this. I appreciate your time and interest, and I probably wouldn’t be continuing if it wasn’t for your support.

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     Well, it has been awhile. It would be easy to forget and leave all of this behind me, but creativity is too important. I believe that being creative is a habit, the more you do it the easier it is. I will pick up where I left off in Chapter 3, part 3.



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     The lights in the room came up slowly as the table backed out of the machine, gently rousing Fred from a bittersweet memory. He buried his emotions back underneath his staunch stoicism and checked his cheeks for any stray tears that might beg for explanation and found none. He took a few calming breaths and sat up on the table, waiting for the technician to give him more instructions.

     Fred listened to the clichéd message that the technician delivered to every patient and followed him back to the exam room where he was to wait for Ryan one last time before leaving. He was left alone again in dreadful silence as he changed back into his clothes. He fought against every incoming memory that threatened his confident façade as he waited patiently for Ryan. “Waiting for Ryan. Again. I can’t talk to him about this yet, I’m not ready,” Fred thought. There was a polite knock at the door before Ryan opened it slowly and entered the room. “Ryan will see through me if I don’t deflect him right away.”

     “Hey buddy! How are you holding up?” Ryan asked. “Mike treat you okay?”

     Fred paused just a moment, trying to read Ryan’s question correctly. Fred hoped that he only meant with the tedium of the scan and the stress of potential relapse and answered the question based on this assumption. “I’m doing well. I’m staying positive and not dwelling on it. I’ve beaten this before and I can do it again if necessary. I take it that Mike was the MRI Tech?” Ryan nodded. “Yeah, honestly I didn’t really pay him much attention. Seemed like a nice kid. I had other things on my mind.”

     Ryan, not willing to miss this opportunity, asked, “Other things? You know, that as your doctor I am obligated to examine your mental and psychological state during treatment.” Fred laughed silently at Ryan’s construction of pretense for what was really a simple question. “What’s on your mind, Fred?”

     “Well, I called Rachel. We’re planning getting together this weekend in Chicago,” Fred said cheerfully and slightly proud.

     In sincere disbelief, Ryan replied, “No way! I don’t believe it. In all the years I’ve known you, you’ve never been the one to make a move. I remember that Sarah waited months to ask you out after finally growing tired of you dragging your feet. Anyway, continue.”

     “Yes, as I was saying. I asked her out this weekend. We’re going to take in a few sights around Chicago and have a nice dinner,” Fred explained. He was slightly bashful to be talking about this with Ryan, knowing that the ribbing would only continue. “I’m sure that she’s been all over the city and the touristy things having gone to school at Northwestern, but she seems excited to show me around. It’ll be fun.”

     "It’ll be fun,’ he says. Fun. A beautiful woman… wait, she is good looking right?”

     Fred laughed again quietly, saying , “Yes, Rachel is very good looking. Not that…” before Ryan cut him off.

     “Yeah, yeah, not that it matters and all that, I get it. Anyway, a beautiful woman, who was all over you at the conference by the way, offers to take you around Chicago and show you a good time and you think it will be “fun”. Fun is an understatement of what this will be,” Ryan joked.

     Fred stood up to leave and said with a smile on his face, “I knew I shouldn’t have said anything to you yet. It’s always a joke with you, Ryan.”

     “Hey, you know that I just want you to be happy. I joke and I give you a hard time, but I just want to see Fred back to his old self,” Ryan said, dropping all the sarcasm and barbs and offered him a hug.

     Fred embraced him and said, “I do, too.” The sober statement hung in the air for a moment as they separated, and then Fred spoke again, “Say hi to my little sister for me, would you? She might have gone against my wishes and married you, but I know she still loves me.”

     “Ooh, ouch. Fred scores big with a right hook to the jaw. Working that angle, huh? I suppose I have it coming,” Ryan said as he turned to follow Fred out of the exam room. “I’ll tell her. But be warned, she is probably going to call and ask a million questions when I tell her about Rachel.”

     “Oh man, I hadn’t even thought of that. And wait until she tells mom,” Fred groaned.

     “You will have your hands full when those two get involved. If you thought I asked questions and that I have been in intrusive… But remember, we bug you and we hound you about these things because we love you,” Ryan said. Fred had stopped in the hallway, touched by Ryan’s heartfelt words. Ryan, who found the seriousness of the current situation to be more than he could comfortably stomach in his current upbeat mood, added, “I don’t know what it is about you, but people seem to like you.”

     With the moment broken and passed, Fred responded, “It’s a curse.” He was more confident in his decision to pass on bringing up the past with Ryan. After all, Ryan had been there through it all, and probably didn’t want to relive the pain either. At least that is what Fred had convinced himself to believe.

Stress Relief

If you ask me, stress is the modern day constant. Because of the efficiency of the techological world, our jobs are more demanding than ever. The requests of a supervisor, coworker or customer are always just a phone buzz away, threatening to invade our thoughts and steal our attention. Our weekends are filled with events and itineraries. Vacations cost money and denting the budget is stressful. And time, as if there could ever be enough of it.

The idea that we live stressful lives is not new. But how do we deal with it and is there another way to live? I know that I don't deal with it well and I don't know if there is another way to live, at least a way that I would like to live.

My usual method for relieving stress is to ignore it, forget about the problem and try to live life. This method has been so effective that I often suggest it to my wife when she is stressed. I'm sure you can imagine what she thinks about that advice and its efficacy. But I'm starting to come around to my wife's point of view as this method becomes less effective. Thus, I need better stress relievers.

The most relaxing, and thus de-stressing, thing I can think of is drinking a cold beer in a comfortable chair. Maybe there is some ice cream there, Zanzibar Chocolate or Ben & Jerry's Creme Brulee perferably, and maybe I eat that. And while I drink said beer and ice cream, a brand new Community is on TV.

 **Examples of things that can relieve stress. It would really stress me out if I was sued for using these images.**

But this drinking beer, eating ice cream and watching the hijinx of Troy and Abed falls into a dangerous category known as guilty pleasures, the place where all favorite things become tainted. Indulging in them brings a smile to my face and a familiar, happy feeling in my belly, but not any true satisfaction. Any pleasure is momentary and quickly replaced by the guilt that really shouldn't surprise anyone (not only is it in the name, but it's the first word!). Instead of drinking beer, I should probably have a water. Ice cream... good in moderation but I have never known how to regulate my ice cream intake. And sitting with my feet up while watching TV, I could be studying or mowing the lawn or finishing the dishes or playing guitar or... any million other things proven to rot my brain less than TV.

Guilt. How can I be stressed about guilt? Okay, that sounds a little stupid now that I've written it. Instead, how can I accept the need for a break in a world that is increasingly demanding of my time and attention? How do I say no and find only pleasure where there used to be guilty pleasure?

And how do you take a guilt free, stress free break from your own stressful life?

Privacy. Privacy in our culture is both closely guarded and given away freely. In public we pass strangers without making eye contact and without saying hello, afraid of sharing even the smallest piece of our lives with them. A smile is free and a greeting costs little more, but to offer them to a stranger is inviting risk, albeit a small risk. But through the various forms of social networking that we use, we open our lives to thousands or millions without discretion. It isn't only the policies or practices of companies that create this situation, but instead the largest force is cultural.

Through the miracles of technology and innovation, cameras permeate our world like never before. It would follow that the number of pictures taken by the average person has increased as well, but what do they do with those pictures? It used to be that pictures were printed and shared in person, limiting the spread of information about our private lives. But now? The pictures are uploaded to websites where they can be viewed by hundreds or thousands of "friends" in the case of Facebook, by millions if shared on other popular websites.What have we gained through this miracle? In some cases, we are able to maintain close contact with friends and family separated from us by great distances. But I think we have lost far more than we have actually gained.

So then, what is it in my opinion that we have lost? I will try to avoid being dramatic, but I believe that we have lost a wealth of shared experience. It is a common phrase that a picture is worth a thousand words, and this may be true when the sharing of a picture is intimate. To click through the albums of a friend or acquaintance does not take us along on the journey. But the stories that accompany each photo can bring someone on a journey, take them to a time and place that they have never been.

But what am I trying to say? It certainly isn't sharing albums and photos is bad, or that social networks have led to a downfall of our society. The anonymity of the internet has enabled us to wear of veil of friendship and sharing while we limit real interpersonal relationships. I think that this veil has allowed us to maintain the image of perfection we all aspire to.

Having said all of this, I only hope that I can offer more of myself to others. I hope that I can be vulnerable with my friends and loved ones, creating strong bonds between us. Maybe you disagree with me about any or all of this, but I don't think anyone would regret sharing a little more with a close friend. (And don't picture me on some high horse. I am a typical man, closed to the world 95% of the time.)

Fred Matthews Ch. 3 Part 3

Don't forget to check out the first two chapters (and first two parts of chapter 3) if you haven't already.

The story of Fred Matthews continues.

The world continued to move around Fred as he stayed in his memories, drowning in them. The nurse finished and mentioned his vitals in passing before stepping out of the room and closing the door behind her. She was used to seeing the blank face of someone in emotional shock before an MRI and didn't seem concerned with his mindless stare. It registered somewhere deep in his mind that he was alone again and he allowed a pained sigh to escape his body.

He stood and changed into the gown that had been left for him before collapsing back into the chair. A minute later the door opened again and a technician led him to the MRI room. Fred managed to exchange pleasantries with him, but nothing more. He laid on the table and waited for the scan to begin. The last interruption to his solitude was the technician coming to explain the process, as if Fred hadn't been here before, and to ask if he wanted the lights on or off. Fred feigned attentive listening and indicated that he would prefer the lights on.

As the lights dimmed and he slid into the machine, the present gave way to the past and he was dropped back into his treasured memories and his nightmares.

* * *

"Fred!" Sarah called from the kitchen, "It's time to go. Are you ready? I've got Ellie all set and in her car seat."

Fred came down the stairs in a pair of jeans and a comfortable t-shirt, ready and nervous for his first appointment. "Yeah, I'm ready. Just have to find those socks I left around here somewhere. You've got everything? You're ready?" Fred asked.

"I saw them on the couch, although I don't know why they ended up there. And yes, I've got everything. But I'm definitely not ready for this," Sarah explained as she put on a light coat.

"Ah, you're right, here they are. I know what you mean, though. I'm a doctor and know exactly what to expect, but you can never be ready for it," Fred said. He walked over to Sarah and hugged her. She leaned into him and relinquished a small portion of her tension and stress. "It will be okay, honey. Ryan will take good care of me while we're there and I'll have a couple of days to recover."

"I know. I know it will be fine. It's just hard having to deal with all of this, you know? You're my rock, my hero, and I just don't like seeing you like this," Sarah said. She started to pull away from the hug and with a sigh, she added, "I just don't want to lose you."

His heart sank. "Sarah. You can't think that, we have to stay positive. Attitude is so important to recovery, I see it everyday."

"I know. You're right and I'm sorry," she confessed as a tear worked its way down her cheek.

"It's okay, I know it's hard. But we caught this early, we have every reason to stay upbeat, okay?"

She wiped away the tear and fought back more, shaking her hands and looking at the ceiling as she said, "Ah, okay. We have to go and quit talking about this. Come on, let's go."

Ellie was sleeping peacefully in her car carrier, like always, as Sarah brought her out to the car. Fred was behind her with a diaper bag and a few things for him in a separate duffel. Moments later, Ellie was strapped in and they were headed for St. Luke's to see his friend Ryan and for Fred's first chemotherapy appointment.

Something about this trip seemed monumental to Fred, like a turning point for his entire life. The three miles to St. Luke's was his Rubicon. After today he would be a cancer patient, a marked man. There is no back with cancer, victory or death. He faced this reality behind a veil of strength and confidence, allowing the tremors of doubt and fear to rumble underneath the calm surface.

They entered the hospital and waited to be called back. Ellie had woken up and Sarah entertained her while Fred watched the television in the corner. After waiting to be called, the three of them followed a nurse back to private room where he was prepped for the treatment.

"Do you think we'll even see Ryan?" Sarah asked, annoyed at having not seen him already. "I mean, he's your best friend, it seems like the least he could do."

"I'm sure he'll turn up. He always does. And maybe you're just taking out a little of your frustration on him," Fred answered. "And don't forget that while we are here he is Dr. Taylor, and he will treat us as a patient and family, mostly."

"Well fine. But he should still be here," Sarah conceded. Just after she said this the door opened and Ryan rushed in.

"Hey guys! How are we doing today? Good to see you, Fred, Sarah," Ryan said.

Fred looked at him and said to him dryly, "Cute, Ryan. We're doing alright, considering. Although, I would cut the crap or Sarah is going to take you down a peg a two." This cut the tension and brought a smile to Sarah's face for the first time in what seemed like hours.

"Okay, note taken," Ryan said with a laugh. Then he explained how the process was going to work and what to expect. It would take a few hours and he encouraged them to try and rest during it. Then another nurse came in and made the final preparations before the procedure and inserted the IV into his left arm.

"Any other questions before we get started?" Ryan asked.

Fred looked over at Sarah, gave her a smile and said, "No, I think we're okay."

"Alright, let's get started," Ryan said with a little excitement and he turned on the machine. "I've got to step out for a few minutes, but I'll stop back in a little while."

After Ryan and the nurse left, Sarah started to shed a few tears as she bounced Ellie in her arms, coaxing her back to sleep. "Sarah, why don't you and Ellie come over here and sit down, I'll make room," He said as he slid to his left on the propped up bed.

Sarah nodded softly and whispered through tears, "Okay." She sat gently on the side of the bed and snuggled up to him as he motioned her to do so.

Fred held her close with his right arm, kissed her on the head and whispered, "It's alright, honey. It's okay. It will be okay."

"But aren't you scared? Aren't you worried at all?" she asked.

"Sure I'm scared a little. Who wouldn't be? But I know I'll beat this. I just know it," he said. "Here, hand me Ellie, would you?"

She gave Ellie to Fred and he held her sleeping frame in his left arm, her ear over his beating heart. With Sarah nestled in under his right arm, he kissed her again on the head and whispered, "I love you." What he couldn't say was how scared he really was, how he pretended to be brave to protect her. He couldn't say how holding Ellie in his arms just now made him more afraid than he'd ever been before. He couldn't say that he'd crossed the Rubicon, and that only the conquerors made it back alive.

Fred Matthews Ch.3 Part 2

First things first, check out the Fred Matthews page if you haven't read the first or second chapters. That page will link you to the chapters and make it all of this a little easier to follow.

Anyway, it has been a little while since I had written anything. To be honest, I am learning quite a bit about who I am and what drives me. I wasn't feeling proud of my work and didn't feel that others found it worthwhile either. And I need to remember that if I try hard and fail miserably, at least I have done something.

Don't be a stranger. Let me know what you think. I'd be happy to talk all about with you.


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"Okay, let's see, Fred," Ryan said while looking over Fred's chart. "Looks like we haven't had you in for an MRI for about six months, sound right?" Fred nodded in agreement. "Okay, and you've been undergoing regular blood tests and had a CT scan three months ago. Your last blood test showed a slightly elevated white blood cell count. What else?" Ryan asked rhetorically as he continued to flip through the pages. But he shifted his attention to Fred, who was slouching in his chair and nodding agreement to the items listed off by Ryan. He wasn't hiding his anxiety and maybe didn't care to as he leaned slightly to his right and rested his head in his hand.

"I think you know the rest, Ryan," Fred said with some mild irritation. Sure he hadn't seen Ryan in this capacity for six months, but his health and medical history was nothing new for his best friend.

Ryan closed the folder and placed in on the desk, "You're right, Fred, I do. Sorry."

"Don't worry about it, I understand. I know this isn't easy for you either, and when I get too close to a patient I fall back into routine as well." Fred replied. "Look, we both know why I'm here and what the last test could mean. I think this will be easier on both of us if we just keep this business moving along."

Ryan smiled across the desk at Fred, "Okay. Let's do it. I'll need to take you to an exam room first, just to get your vitals and..."

"Way ahead of you, Ryan. Just show me the way," Fred answered as he opened the office door.

Following Fred out of the office, he said, "Right. You know the drill. They say that doctors are the toughest patients, but I don't think this is what they mean though. Usually you guys are trying to diagnose your own conditions and butting in on my treatments. I mean, I would never try to tell you how to do my heart transplant!" Ryan joked as he closed his office door behind him.

Fred stopped in the hall and said, "Ryan?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up and tell me what exam room to go to."

Ryan laughed, "Sorry. Room 4, on your left." He almost said something more about how this wasn't easy on him either, but thought better of it. Fred was known to become lost in his own thoughts from time to time, and a little soul searching was to be expected at a time like this. Ryan thought that it was best to give him some time, maybe Fred might open up more after he had relaxed and thought some things through.

"Thanks," Fred said. He found room 4 and took a seat inside, resting his head against the wall behind him. He thought about the blood test that had led him back here and what could be going on. He was not an oncologist and did not attempt to diagnose himself, but couldn't help but turn it over in his mind. His white blood cell count had been higher than normal, but he wouldn't have called it high. As far as he could remember, his numbers seemed borderline and shouldn't raise this level of concern; they were on the edge, but not unhealthy. But what had his dad always said? "Living on the edge means you're one step from falling off the cliff."

He also thought about the last time he had been in for an MRI, but that was under very different circumstances. Six months ago had been his final routine scan after going into remission two years ago. He remembered coming in and being excited to see Ryan and couldn't wait for it to be over and to move on with his life. Beating cancer closed a chapter in his life that he preferred to forget. Being back here and worrying cancer brought it all rushing back.

A knock came at the door and a nurse introduced herself. Fred didn't bother to remember her name and stayed lost in his own world, paying only enough attention to follow her instructions. He was anxious to be left alone again and was suddenly looking forward to the solitude of the MRI machine. Thinking about back then brought on painful memories; things too painful to try and hide, especially around Ryan. He would tell Ryan about his struggles later, he always did, but this just wasn't the time.