Fred Matthews: Ch. 4, Part 1

Another one that was written a month or two ago, mostly. Enjoy

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                Fred eased the weights down toward his chest in complete control, breathing in as he prepared for the final rep. He exhaled smoothly, raised the bar and brought it to rest at the top of the bench with a confident smile across his face. “You’re making this too easy, Dave. I’m 38, not dead. The least you could do is show me a little respect and make me work for it,” Fred said feigning insult.

                Dave was shocked to hear such bravado from Fred and took the jab for what Fred meant it, as a joke. “I’ll have to remember that for next time then. Maybe we’ll just have to crank this up a notch or two, sound alright to you?”

                Fred, with another out of character comment and tone, stated calmly, “Bring it on, Dave. I’m feeling better than I have in years.” It was true; Fred really seemed to have a spring in his step, a zeal for life and the opportunities lying before him. He was still waiting for the results from Ryan, but Fred was playing it off as if nothing was the matter at all.

                Dave just laughed to himself and readied the weights for his own bench press. He wondered if this had anything to with what Ryan had mentioned last week about some girl in Chicago. Dave thought he should feel it out first before offering that suggestion. “Hey, Fred, mind giving me a hand over here? And what is going on with you? Where did this new Fred come from all of a sudden?” Dave asked, trying to leave it open enough for Fred to be as honest and forthright as he so chose.

                “You know? I’m not sure. But ever since last Thursday I’ve been doing pretty well,” Fred answered as he sat back down on the bench. “I think I had told you that I was going in to see Ryan to get an MRI. There was something about being back there… I don’t know what exactly. I don’t know if it was getting out of there or getting it over with, but I just felt better when I left.”

                Dave listened to him and saw plenty of the usual Fred behind the subtle smile. He looked happier and certainly sounded more upbeat than usual. If this was about Chicago-girl, Fred wasn’t letting on, but it also didn’t appear that everything was perfect either. Intrigued by the vagueness of Fred’s answer, Dave inquired, “But something is definitely different, Fred.” He wanted to lead him deeper, find out what was going on behind the mask.

                “Yeah, I know. And I know that this won’t make much sense, but I think it’s because I was remembering all about when I had cancer and when Sarah was still here,” Fred said, still exploring that possibility himself. He was realizing that this was getting more honest than he had intended.

                Again, Dave led him onward, “Really? What about it?” He agreed that it didn’t seem to make much sense, but there was no point in saying it. He thought that Fred would explain it if he could.

                Fred sighed and took another step toward the truth, “I think it was the whole situation. I was back seeing Ryan as Dr. Taylor and nervously waiting for the scan to begin.
I was being treated with kid gloves and was talked around instead of talked to. And I was reminded of the loneliness. I had forgotten how easy it is to fall into that trap. Even when I had Sarah sitting beside me through chemo, I would feel alone. It’s the vulnerability of it.”

                Dave listened with rapt attention, not daring to interrupt. Without prompting this time, Fred continued, “Then sitting there in the MRI, the memories flooded back. I thought about when I went in for my first treatment and I held little Ellie in my arms. I thought about all of the promise that my little girl had, all of the opportunities, all of the potential futures. I remembered how my biggest fear that day was not being there to see who she would grow up to become. I dreamed that she would be like Sarah, a woman of unwavering love and integrity. It never would have crossed my mind that it was her life I should have been worried about. Or that I would be left behind, not her.

                “I know that I wasn’t remembering the pain. I wasn’t revisiting the unrelenting, indescribable pain. I know now that I didn’t remember how sick I felt or how awful it was because I don’t fear it like I did then. No, I don’t that I could fear the pain anymore, at least not after overcoming it the first time. But that is what I didn’t remember.

“As I laid there in the machine and relived all of those terrible memories, I just feared loneliness. I couldn’t and I can’t imagine having to go through all of the chemo and all of the sickness alone.  But I couldn’t tell this to Ryan; I thought it sounded ridiculous. He’s always been like a brother to me. Isn’t it insulting if I tell him how afraid I am to be dealing with this alone?” Fred asked rhetorically, pausing only to take a calming breath. “So instead, I told him what he wanted to hear. I told him that I had called Rachel and we had plans for the weekend.”

Dave chose this spot to interject with mock surprise, “Rachel? Who is this Rachel you’re talking about?” Clearly this was not the time to talk about Rachel, even if Dave wanted to have the inside scoop for once, but he couldn't resist.

“Ha ha, very funny,” Fred answered, again with feigned insult. “I know that the details of my personal life get passed around like a football. Anyway, I told him what we were planning on doing and my outlook started to change. Kind of an act positive be positive situation. It sounds a bit childish to have an epiphany about my friends and family’s love and devotion, but I had one there in the hospital. With everything I went through the first time and with the accident and everything I might have to go through now, I realized that I still have a family. I have a family of people who are obviously quite interested in my life. I’m not alone, and I know that.”

Dave stood at the end of the bench, speechless. He was never the guy that Fred confided in, but this was something that Fred hadn’t told Ryan. And now, Dave didn’t know what to say. The three guys had all grown up together and messed with each other constantly; how do you turn that off in instant? And to be fair, Dave had just been digging for the details about his weekend when he pressed him earlier, not a heart to heart in the weight room.

While Dave searched for the right words, any words, Fred started again. “But while my attitude has started to change, Dave,” he paused, looked at his friend with a steady gaze and continued with a soft-spoken seriousness, “my circumstances haven’t. I’m still a thirty-eight year old widower hoping I’m not about to have a relapse. I’m still utterly lost and confused about how to start a new relationship, how to fall in love. And frankly, I’m terrified that I’m not ready. Terrified that I will not be ready to let go of my past and I’ll end up breaking someone else’s heart. Or my own.”

“Fred?” Dave said, trying to cut in as Fred’s voice started to quaver.

“Yeah?” He responded, hopeful that Dave was going to be there for him when he needed him.

“You’re right,” Dave said nervously. “You are still waiting for that call from Ryan. And Sarah and Ellie are still gone,” He paused and saw that Fred’s worried expression hadn’t changed. “But most of all you’re right that you aren’t alone. You’ve got people that love you all around you; we weep when you weep and we rejoice when you rejoice. Never forget that.” Dave sat down on the bench next to Fred, rested his elbows on his knees and looked blankly ahead. “And never forget that you’ll get through this. You’ll come through on the other side not as a broken or incomplete man, but as the man we all know you can be, the man we remember.” Silence reigned as Dave’s words hung in the air, vulnerable to dismissal, denial and to the false humility that crushes compliments and encouragement alike.

Fred let the words linger and soak in, testing them for truth, weighing them against the doubt that he carried. When his heart told him that Dave’s sentiment was heartfelt and honest, Fred turned to him and hugged him, saying, “Thanks, Dave, I needed that.”

“No problem. But can I ask one favor?” Dave asked as he broke the hug.

“Sure thing.”

“Don’t ever hug me in here again.”

Fred looked around and laughed, “Deal.” They walked toward the locker room, forgoing a final set for Dave; the energy had changed from pumping iron to healing wounds and it didn’t feel right to try and go back. Dave was happy with the way today had gone between him and Fred. Ryan was always the heart to heart, what’s going on in my life kind of friend for Fred. And while this didn’t mean that Dave was that guy now, it at least meant that he could be that guy from time to time. That was a development that Fred was pleased about as well, though neither of them would say it; they are men after all.

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