Fred Matthews Ch. 3 Part 3

Don't forget to check out the first two chapters (and first two parts of chapter 3) if you haven't already.

The story of Fred Matthews continues.

The world continued to move around Fred as he stayed in his memories, drowning in them. The nurse finished and mentioned his vitals in passing before stepping out of the room and closing the door behind her. She was used to seeing the blank face of someone in emotional shock before an MRI and didn't seem concerned with his mindless stare. It registered somewhere deep in his mind that he was alone again and he allowed a pained sigh to escape his body.

He stood and changed into the gown that had been left for him before collapsing back into the chair. A minute later the door opened again and a technician led him to the MRI room. Fred managed to exchange pleasantries with him, but nothing more. He laid on the table and waited for the scan to begin. The last interruption to his solitude was the technician coming to explain the process, as if Fred hadn't been here before, and to ask if he wanted the lights on or off. Fred feigned attentive listening and indicated that he would prefer the lights on.

As the lights dimmed and he slid into the machine, the present gave way to the past and he was dropped back into his treasured memories and his nightmares.

* * *

"Fred!" Sarah called from the kitchen, "It's time to go. Are you ready? I've got Ellie all set and in her car seat."

Fred came down the stairs in a pair of jeans and a comfortable t-shirt, ready and nervous for his first appointment. "Yeah, I'm ready. Just have to find those socks I left around here somewhere. You've got everything? You're ready?" Fred asked.

"I saw them on the couch, although I don't know why they ended up there. And yes, I've got everything. But I'm definitely not ready for this," Sarah explained as she put on a light coat.

"Ah, you're right, here they are. I know what you mean, though. I'm a doctor and know exactly what to expect, but you can never be ready for it," Fred said. He walked over to Sarah and hugged her. She leaned into him and relinquished a small portion of her tension and stress. "It will be okay, honey. Ryan will take good care of me while we're there and I'll have a couple of days to recover."

"I know. I know it will be fine. It's just hard having to deal with all of this, you know? You're my rock, my hero, and I just don't like seeing you like this," Sarah said. She started to pull away from the hug and with a sigh, she added, "I just don't want to lose you."

His heart sank. "Sarah. You can't think that, we have to stay positive. Attitude is so important to recovery, I see it everyday."

"I know. You're right and I'm sorry," she confessed as a tear worked its way down her cheek.

"It's okay, I know it's hard. But we caught this early, we have every reason to stay upbeat, okay?"

She wiped away the tear and fought back more, shaking her hands and looking at the ceiling as she said, "Ah, okay. We have to go and quit talking about this. Come on, let's go."

Ellie was sleeping peacefully in her car carrier, like always, as Sarah brought her out to the car. Fred was behind her with a diaper bag and a few things for him in a separate duffel. Moments later, Ellie was strapped in and they were headed for St. Luke's to see his friend Ryan and for Fred's first chemotherapy appointment.

Something about this trip seemed monumental to Fred, like a turning point for his entire life. The three miles to St. Luke's was his Rubicon. After today he would be a cancer patient, a marked man. There is no back with cancer, victory or death. He faced this reality behind a veil of strength and confidence, allowing the tremors of doubt and fear to rumble underneath the calm surface.

They entered the hospital and waited to be called back. Ellie had woken up and Sarah entertained her while Fred watched the television in the corner. After waiting to be called, the three of them followed a nurse back to private room where he was prepped for the treatment.

"Do you think we'll even see Ryan?" Sarah asked, annoyed at having not seen him already. "I mean, he's your best friend, it seems like the least he could do."

"I'm sure he'll turn up. He always does. And maybe you're just taking out a little of your frustration on him," Fred answered. "And don't forget that while we are here he is Dr. Taylor, and he will treat us as a patient and family, mostly."

"Well fine. But he should still be here," Sarah conceded. Just after she said this the door opened and Ryan rushed in.

"Hey guys! How are we doing today? Good to see you, Fred, Sarah," Ryan said.

Fred looked at him and said to him dryly, "Cute, Ryan. We're doing alright, considering. Although, I would cut the crap or Sarah is going to take you down a peg a two." This cut the tension and brought a smile to Sarah's face for the first time in what seemed like hours.

"Okay, note taken," Ryan said with a laugh. Then he explained how the process was going to work and what to expect. It would take a few hours and he encouraged them to try and rest during it. Then another nurse came in and made the final preparations before the procedure and inserted the IV into his left arm.

"Any other questions before we get started?" Ryan asked.

Fred looked over at Sarah, gave her a smile and said, "No, I think we're okay."

"Alright, let's get started," Ryan said with a little excitement and he turned on the machine. "I've got to step out for a few minutes, but I'll stop back in a little while."

After Ryan and the nurse left, Sarah started to shed a few tears as she bounced Ellie in her arms, coaxing her back to sleep. "Sarah, why don't you and Ellie come over here and sit down, I'll make room," He said as he slid to his left on the propped up bed.

Sarah nodded softly and whispered through tears, "Okay." She sat gently on the side of the bed and snuggled up to him as he motioned her to do so.

Fred held her close with his right arm, kissed her on the head and whispered, "It's alright, honey. It's okay. It will be okay."

"But aren't you scared? Aren't you worried at all?" she asked.

"Sure I'm scared a little. Who wouldn't be? But I know I'll beat this. I just know it," he said. "Here, hand me Ellie, would you?"

She gave Ellie to Fred and he held her sleeping frame in his left arm, her ear over his beating heart. With Sarah nestled in under his right arm, he kissed her again on the head and whispered, "I love you." What he couldn't say was how scared he really was, how he pretended to be brave to protect her. He couldn't say how holding Ellie in his arms just now made him more afraid than he'd ever been before. He couldn't say that he'd crossed the Rubicon, and that only the conquerors made it back alive.

Fred Matthews Ch.3 Part 2

First things first, check out the Fred Matthews page if you haven't read the first or second chapters. That page will link you to the chapters and make it all of this a little easier to follow.

Anyway, it has been a little while since I had written anything. To be honest, I am learning quite a bit about who I am and what drives me. I wasn't feeling proud of my work and didn't feel that others found it worthwhile either. And I need to remember that if I try hard and fail miserably, at least I have done something.

Don't be a stranger. Let me know what you think. I'd be happy to talk all about with you.


-------------

"Okay, let's see, Fred," Ryan said while looking over Fred's chart. "Looks like we haven't had you in for an MRI for about six months, sound right?" Fred nodded in agreement. "Okay, and you've been undergoing regular blood tests and had a CT scan three months ago. Your last blood test showed a slightly elevated white blood cell count. What else?" Ryan asked rhetorically as he continued to flip through the pages. But he shifted his attention to Fred, who was slouching in his chair and nodding agreement to the items listed off by Ryan. He wasn't hiding his anxiety and maybe didn't care to as he leaned slightly to his right and rested his head in his hand.

"I think you know the rest, Ryan," Fred said with some mild irritation. Sure he hadn't seen Ryan in this capacity for six months, but his health and medical history was nothing new for his best friend.

Ryan closed the folder and placed in on the desk, "You're right, Fred, I do. Sorry."

"Don't worry about it, I understand. I know this isn't easy for you either, and when I get too close to a patient I fall back into routine as well." Fred replied. "Look, we both know why I'm here and what the last test could mean. I think this will be easier on both of us if we just keep this business moving along."

Ryan smiled across the desk at Fred, "Okay. Let's do it. I'll need to take you to an exam room first, just to get your vitals and..."

"Way ahead of you, Ryan. Just show me the way," Fred answered as he opened the office door.

Following Fred out of the office, he said, "Right. You know the drill. They say that doctors are the toughest patients, but I don't think this is what they mean though. Usually you guys are trying to diagnose your own conditions and butting in on my treatments. I mean, I would never try to tell you how to do my heart transplant!" Ryan joked as he closed his office door behind him.

Fred stopped in the hall and said, "Ryan?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up and tell me what exam room to go to."

Ryan laughed, "Sorry. Room 4, on your left." He almost said something more about how this wasn't easy on him either, but thought better of it. Fred was known to become lost in his own thoughts from time to time, and a little soul searching was to be expected at a time like this. Ryan thought that it was best to give him some time, maybe Fred might open up more after he had relaxed and thought some things through.

"Thanks," Fred said. He found room 4 and took a seat inside, resting his head against the wall behind him. He thought about the blood test that had led him back here and what could be going on. He was not an oncologist and did not attempt to diagnose himself, but couldn't help but turn it over in his mind. His white blood cell count had been higher than normal, but he wouldn't have called it high. As far as he could remember, his numbers seemed borderline and shouldn't raise this level of concern; they were on the edge, but not unhealthy. But what had his dad always said? "Living on the edge means you're one step from falling off the cliff."

He also thought about the last time he had been in for an MRI, but that was under very different circumstances. Six months ago had been his final routine scan after going into remission two years ago. He remembered coming in and being excited to see Ryan and couldn't wait for it to be over and to move on with his life. Beating cancer closed a chapter in his life that he preferred to forget. Being back here and worrying cancer brought it all rushing back.

A knock came at the door and a nurse introduced herself. Fred didn't bother to remember her name and stayed lost in his own world, paying only enough attention to follow her instructions. He was anxious to be left alone again and was suddenly looking forward to the solitude of the MRI machine. Thinking about back then brought on painful memories; things too painful to try and hide, especially around Ryan. He would tell Ryan about his struggles later, he always did, but this just wasn't the time.

Fred Matthews Ch. 2 Complete

"So how did that conference thing go, Fred?" Ryan asked.

Fred was just stepping up to the line and readied his dart. "Conference was fine. I did generate some interest in the program that I'll need to follow up on. It wasn't quite the clamoring for trial details that I had been hoping for, but it's more than I had before," Fred said. He threw the dart that he had been holding and perched the next one between his fingers. "I met a girl there, though." Another dart hit the board.

"Oh yeah? How did that happen? I can't picture you going up to some girl and asking her out," Ryan asked as Fred tossed his final dart. Fred had always been rather quiet and withdrawn around people he didn't know. And even around those that he was familiar with, like Ryan, he tended to reserve himself a little.

"You're right, I didn't go up to her and ask her out. She asked me out," Fred answered as he handed the darts to Ryan.

"She sounds like a brave one, so far so good. So she asked you out, and you got dinner or what?"

"Yeah, just dinner. We went to this barbecue place a few blocks away and had a couple of drinks and talked for awhile."

"And how did it go?" Ryan asked.

"I had fun. Okay, I had a lot fun. No big deal."

Ryan was lining up his second dart when he stopped to say, "No big deal? You wouldn't have said anything if it wasn't a big deal. I'm sure you've had dates and haven't told me before . I think there is more to this story that you're not telling me. What's this girl like?"

"What's she like? I don't know, that's such a broad question. I mean she's nice, friendly, funny, outgoing... We had a good time, is that what you want me to say?

"Getting there. I now know that this girl uhh... what's her name by the way?" Ryan asked.

"Rachel."

"Rachel, got it. I now know that this Rachel is nice, friendly, funny and outgoing. Good story. What else? Why did you have fun? Would you go out with her again?" Ryan said when he handed the darts back.

"Fine, you want more? Here goes. You suck at darts by the way."

"At least I don't suck at telling your friend how his date went. Get on with it."

"Well we met after my presentation. I was sitting at the bar, relaxing with a beer, when Rachel came out of the banquet hall. She must have seen me step out through a side door and left to find me, because when she saw me sitting at a table she came directly to my table. We chatted for a few minutes and got to know each other. She's a doctor too and actually gave a presentation earlier on in the conference. She asked me about my research and afterward she asked me out to dinner.

"As I said, we went to this barbecue place in the neighborhood. The atmosphere made it really easy to get to know each other; it's kind of hard to be serious when your face and hands are slathered in barbecue sauce. After a quick wash in the bathroom, we reminisced about college days and compared hobbies and interests. Joked about awkward first dates we'd had before. I think I had more of those stories than she did, but whatever. The she got up to sang karaoke and then begged me to sing one too."

"Really? Karaoke? And did you do it?" Ryan asked in disbelief.

"Well, of course I did it. When a beautiful girl begs you to do something, you do it."

"Man, I wish I had been there. But she's good looking, huh?"

"I'd say she's out of my league." Fred said.

"That's not really saying much, but go on."

"Not much else to say. We had a couple of drinks and called it a night. It was nice, two people having a good time without the pressure of trying to make it to the second date. But don't get me wrong, I'd go out with her again, given the chance that is," Fred explained.

"Is that so? Well, where's she from?"

"Chicago."

"So that's like an hour and a half, tops. You're going for that second date, right?"

"Can't we just play darts?"

"No, we can't just play darts, Fred. You've been moping around here waiting for a girl that likes you to just fall into your lap. And sometimes I think you just need to grow a pair and go after one of them!" Ryan said forcefully.

Fred started to line up his throw without saying anything and Ryan thought he might have pushed him a little far. "Hey, I'm sorry, alright. I'm just trying to look out for you, that's all. If you want me to leave you alone about it, just say the word and I'll drop it," Ryan said. "But can you please just answer me that one question, are you going to go after her?"

"Yeah, I'll give her a call."

"And you'll go down and see her this weekend?" Ryan asked.

"Yes, I'll go to Chicago and see her. Alright?"

"You know you'll thank me someday. I've known you for awhile, Matthews, and you're usually pretty down about how a date went. I just think that you had a good time out there in Rochester and I don't want to see you quit on it," Ryan said with a softer edge. He wasn't going to push him on it anymore, and he just wanted Fred to realize that he was trying to help.

"Thanks Ryan. I know you just want what's best and I appreciate it."

They played another game of darts and generally let the topic of women, and specifically Rachel, drop for the time being. They talked about Ryan's wife and kids and how they were doing for a little while. Fred appreciated having the focus off of himself for the rest of the night. Ryan had been right about him and he knew it. It had been awhile since he had found anyone that he really clicked with and knew that he shouldn't let her go.

But one thing that Fred knew, was that old habits are hard to break. The reason he found it so hard to believe that Rachel had also had fun last Saturday was that Fred could remember all of the awkward things he had said and done. He could relive every time that he had made a joke that didn't land or the conversation got quiet. He could tell Ryan all about the fun he had singing karaoke, but the more he thought it over the more it seemed shaded by his awkwardness.

"Well, I think I should probably get home to Lauren. The kids are probably in bed by now and she will be too if I don't hurry," Ryan said.

"I suppose it's time to break up the party. I've got to make a call and get up for work in the morning," Fred replied. He wasn't sure that he would make the call tonight or even tomorrow, but thought that Ryan would appreciate having that thrown out there.

"Glad to hear it. You need a ride or anything?" Ryan asked.

"No, I'm okay. The bus will be stopping out front in a few minutes and I can get off a block from my apartment. Thanks for the offer though," Fred answered.

"Anytime. See you around."

"See ya."

As Fred waited for the bus, he couldn't get the worst moments from last Saturday out his mind. The part that really got to him was that somewhere deep inside himself he knew that none of it was really so bad. It was unlikely that Rachel remembered any of his so-called slip ups. He tried to remember anything that Rachel had done that seemed out of place or awkward. But that didn't really help. The fact that he couldn't remember anything only convinced him that she hadn't done it.

When the bus arrived, Fred pulled out his iPod and took a seat. He thought about why he couldn't let go of the most trivial moments in his past, and why he still got embarrassed over them. Like the time his first grade teacher yelled at him for something he'd never done. Or when he was laughed at in basketball practice in middle school because he wasn't any good. He started to think that these moments weren't all so trivial, but maybe just a pattern of allowing himself to be the victim. He wondered if being a victim was so central to the way he viewed himself that he cherished these sad memories as integral components of his identity.

But that didn't fit either. Sure, in some of his memories he was a victim of some kind, but not in all. There were too many incidents that haunted him that were embarrassing for what he had done himself. And even where he couldn't forget something that he did to good friend. "Any thought of being an eternal victim should probably be forgotten," he decided.

"If I'm going to call her and ask her out this weekend, I should try and feel better about how Saturday went," he thought. He tried to remember the date with Rachel from an objective point of view, tried to see how Rachel might have remembered it. She was so excited to see him when they met back in the lobby to walk to the restaurant. She had more questions about his job and his life in Milwaukee. He asked her about what movies she had seen lately. So far this wasn't really helping.

Rachel had seemed very interested in him, and didn't mind asking him question after question. Maybe he hadn't asked enough questions in return? Or maybe that was just her way. Most questions he did ask got a brief answer out of her before she would turn it back on him. He remembered that one of his questions did get a longer, more personal answer from her. He had asked her, "When you were young, what did you want to do more than anything in the world?"

She had paused for a moment before answering and repeated the question to herself once under her breath. She began somewhat hesitantly, "I did most of my growing up in rural Iowa; we didn't actually move to Aurora until I was a teenager. As a little girl growing up I would wander through open fields and dream of getting out. The wide open spaces helped me imagine a vast world where I could accomplish anything I dream.

"I loved to study. I would read anything I could get my hands on, but I really loved geography. While my world was flat during the day, my dreams were filled with the Rockies and the Alps. Skiing sounded like heaven to me. I couldn't believe that anyone would choose to live in Iowa when there were places like Colorado. I would walk through corn fields and pretend it was a lush forest, and the tree tops visible over the rows of corn were distant peaks. I must have spent an entire summer wishing I could visit just once, that one visit would be enough.

"When we were ten my family took a trip out to Denver. We didn't have a lot of money which meant we drove about 700 miles. But you know, as a kid visiting new places and seeing new things, I didn't mind so much. I would fall asleep in the back of the car for an hour here and there, and then my brother and sister would end up waking me. Every time I would jump up and study the landscape around me, searching for a trace of mountain on the horizon.

"We crossed into Colorado and started to climb in elevation. The trees changed and so did the temperature as the miles counted down on the highway signs. I noticed the air changing and my ears started popping. My mom told us kids how to make it go away and treated us to chewing gum. So the three of sat in the back of the station wagon, mouths full of bubble gum, eyes rapt with the changing scenery.

"But I started having trouble breathing just outside of Denver. My dad explained that the air was thinner up there and I just needed to calm down and take deeper breaths. This helped a little, but I just couldn't catch up and I couldn't calm down. All I could focus on was breathing, deep breath in and out. But I still couldn't get it under control. When I started to cough, my parents started to worry as well. And after we checked into the hotel, my parents took us to the hospital.

"I had been diagnosed with asthma back in Iowa, but it didn't really bother me. I would typically be able to just calm down and catch my breath for a minute or two. But with the thin air of the mountains I needed the inhaler the doctor in Denver gave me. It wasn't until our 4th day there that I could really start to enjoy it, and by then we only had a day left.

"I had been so excited to see the hills and mountains, really anything other than the plains and corn fields. But all I can remember from that vacation is how disappointed I was. I expected to be running and playing, but instead I was having to sit around and do nothing. I didn't dream about mountains anymore after that. I realized I wasn't meant to live there like I had always hoped.

"Wow, sorry. That took a little more serious turn than I had expected! Sorry, Fred. Hey! I think they are going to start karaoke. I've always wanted to do that, what do you say?"

Fred wasn't any closer to finding out why she liked him, but he knew that he had to call her. If there was any chance he could see Rachel again, he would make it happen.