Anyway, it has been a little while since I had written anything. To be honest, I am learning quite a bit about who I am and what drives me. I wasn't feeling proud of my work and didn't feel that others found it worthwhile either. And I need to remember that if I try hard and fail miserably, at least I have done something.
Don't be a stranger. Let me know what you think. I'd be happy to talk all about with you.
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"Okay, let's see, Fred," Ryan said while looking over Fred's chart. "Looks like we haven't had you in for an MRI for about six months, sound right?" Fred nodded in agreement. "Okay, and you've been undergoing regular blood tests and had a CT scan three months ago. Your last blood test showed a slightly elevated white blood cell count. What else?" Ryan asked rhetorically as he continued to flip through the pages. But he shifted his attention to Fred, who was slouching in his chair and nodding agreement to the items listed off by Ryan. He wasn't hiding his anxiety and maybe didn't care to as he leaned slightly to his right and rested his head in his hand.
"I think you know the rest, Ryan," Fred said with some mild irritation. Sure he hadn't seen Ryan in this capacity for six months, but his health and medical history was nothing new for his best friend.
Ryan closed the folder and placed in on the desk, "You're right, Fred, I do. Sorry."
"Don't worry about it, I understand. I know this isn't easy for you either, and when I get too close to a patient I fall back into routine as well." Fred replied. "Look, we both know why I'm here and what the last test could mean. I think this will be easier on both of us if we just keep this business moving along."
Ryan smiled across the desk at Fred, "Okay. Let's do it. I'll need to take you to an exam room first, just to get your vitals and..."
"Way ahead of you, Ryan. Just show me the way," Fred answered as he opened the office door.
Following Fred out of the office, he said, "Right. You know the drill. They say that doctors are the toughest patients, but I don't think this is what they mean though. Usually you guys are trying to diagnose your own conditions and butting in on my treatments. I mean, I would never try to tell you how to do my heart transplant!" Ryan joked as he closed his office door behind him.
Fred stopped in the hall and said, "Ryan?"
"Yeah?"
"Shut up and tell me what exam room to go to."
Ryan laughed, "Sorry. Room 4, on your left." He almost said something more about how this wasn't easy on him either, but thought better of it. Fred was known to become lost in his own thoughts from time to time, and a little soul searching was to be expected at a time like this. Ryan thought that it was best to give him some time, maybe Fred might open up more after he had relaxed and thought some things through.
"Thanks," Fred said. He found room 4 and took a seat inside, resting his head against the wall behind him. He thought about the blood test that had led him back here and what could be going on. He was not an oncologist and did not attempt to diagnose himself, but couldn't help but turn it over in his mind. His white blood cell count had been higher than normal, but he wouldn't have called it high. As far as he could remember, his numbers seemed borderline and shouldn't raise this level of concern; they were on the edge, but not unhealthy. But what had his dad always said? "Living on the edge means you're one step from falling off the cliff."
He also thought about the last time he had been in for an MRI, but that was under very different circumstances. Six months ago had been his final routine scan after going into remission two years ago. He remembered coming in and being excited to see Ryan and couldn't wait for it to be over and to move on with his life. Beating cancer closed a chapter in his life that he preferred to forget. Being back here and worrying cancer brought it all rushing back.
A knock came at the door and a nurse introduced herself. Fred didn't bother to remember her name and stayed lost in his own world, paying only enough attention to follow her instructions. He was anxious to be left alone again and was suddenly looking forward to the solitude of the MRI machine. Thinking about back then brought on painful memories; things too painful to try and hide, especially around Ryan. He would tell Ryan about his struggles later, he always did, but this just wasn't the time.
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