The story of Fred Matthews continues.
The world continued to move around Fred as he stayed in his memories, drowning in them. The nurse finished and mentioned his vitals in passing before stepping out of the room and closing the door behind her. She was used to seeing the blank face of someone in emotional shock before an MRI and didn't seem concerned with his mindless stare. It registered somewhere deep in his mind that he was alone again and he allowed a pained sigh to escape his body.
He stood and changed into the gown that had been left for him before collapsing back into the chair. A minute later the door opened again and a technician led him to the MRI room. Fred managed to exchange pleasantries with him, but nothing more. He laid on the table and waited for the scan to begin. The last interruption to his solitude was the technician coming to explain the process, as if Fred hadn't been here before, and to ask if he wanted the lights on or off. Fred feigned attentive listening and indicated that he would prefer the lights on.
As the lights dimmed and he slid into the machine, the present gave way to the past and he was dropped back into his treasured memories and his nightmares.
* * *
"Fred!" Sarah called from the kitchen, "It's time to go. Are you ready? I've got Ellie all set and in her car seat."
Fred came down the stairs in a pair of jeans and a comfortable t-shirt, ready and nervous for his first appointment. "Yeah, I'm ready. Just have to find those socks I left around here somewhere. You've got everything? You're ready?" Fred asked.
"I saw them on the couch, although I don't know why they ended up there. And yes, I've got everything. But I'm definitely not ready for this," Sarah explained as she put on a light coat.
"Ah, you're right, here they are. I know what you mean, though. I'm a doctor and know exactly what to expect, but you can never be ready for it," Fred said. He walked over to Sarah and hugged her. She leaned into him and relinquished a small portion of her tension and stress. "It will be okay, honey. Ryan will take good care of me while we're there and I'll have a couple of days to recover."
"I know. I know it will be fine. It's just hard having to deal with all of this, you know? You're my rock, my hero, and I just don't like seeing you like this," Sarah said. She started to pull away from the hug and with a sigh, she added, "I just don't want to lose you."
His heart sank. "Sarah. You can't think that, we have to stay positive. Attitude is so important to recovery, I see it everyday."
"I know. You're right and I'm sorry," she confessed as a tear worked its way down her cheek.
"It's okay, I know it's hard. But we caught this early, we have every reason to stay upbeat, okay?"
She wiped away the tear and fought back more, shaking her hands and looking at the ceiling as she said, "Ah, okay. We have to go and quit talking about this. Come on, let's go."
Ellie was sleeping peacefully in her car carrier, like always, as Sarah brought her out to the car. Fred was behind her with a diaper bag and a few things for him in a separate duffel. Moments later, Ellie was strapped in and they were headed for St. Luke's to see his friend Ryan and for Fred's first chemotherapy appointment.
Something about this trip seemed monumental to Fred, like a turning point for his entire life. The three miles to St. Luke's was his Rubicon. After today he would be a cancer patient, a marked man. There is no back with cancer, victory or death. He faced this reality behind a veil of strength and confidence, allowing the tremors of doubt and fear to rumble underneath the calm surface.
They entered the hospital and waited to be called back. Ellie had woken up and Sarah entertained her while Fred watched the television in the corner. After waiting to be called, the three of them followed a nurse back to private room where he was prepped for the treatment.
"Do you think we'll even see Ryan?" Sarah asked, annoyed at having not seen him already. "I mean, he's your best friend, it seems like the least he could do."
"I'm sure he'll turn up. He always does. And maybe you're just taking out a little of your frustration on him," Fred answered. "And don't forget that while we are here he is Dr. Taylor, and he will treat us as a patient and family, mostly."
"Well fine. But he should still be here," Sarah conceded. Just after she said this the door opened and Ryan rushed in.
"Hey guys! How are we doing today? Good to see you, Fred, Sarah," Ryan said.
Fred looked at him and said to him dryly, "Cute, Ryan. We're doing alright, considering. Although, I would cut the crap or Sarah is going to take you down a peg a two." This cut the tension and brought a smile to Sarah's face for the first time in what seemed like hours.
"Okay, note taken," Ryan said with a laugh. Then he explained how the process was going to work and what to expect. It would take a few hours and he encouraged them to try and rest during it. Then another nurse came in and made the final preparations before the procedure and inserted the IV into his left arm.
"Any other questions before we get started?" Ryan asked.
Fred looked over at Sarah, gave her a smile and said, "No, I think we're okay."
"Alright, let's get started," Ryan said with a little excitement and he turned on the machine. "I've got to step out for a few minutes, but I'll stop back in a little while."
After Ryan and the nurse left, Sarah started to shed a few tears as she bounced Ellie in her arms, coaxing her back to sleep. "Sarah, why don't you and Ellie come over here and sit down, I'll make room," He said as he slid to his left on the propped up bed.
Sarah nodded softly and whispered through tears, "Okay." She sat gently on the side of the bed and snuggled up to him as he motioned her to do so.
Fred held her close with his right arm, kissed her on the head and whispered, "It's alright, honey. It's okay. It will be okay."
"But aren't you scared? Aren't you worried at all?" she asked.
"Sure I'm scared a little. Who wouldn't be? But I know I'll beat this. I just know it," he said. "Here, hand me Ellie, would you?"
She gave Ellie to Fred and he held her sleeping frame in his left arm, her ear over his beating heart. With Sarah nestled in under his right arm, he kissed her again on the head and whispered, "I love you." What he couldn't say was how scared he really was, how he pretended to be brave to protect her. He couldn't say how holding Ellie in his arms just now made him more afraid than he'd ever been before. He couldn't say that he'd crossed the Rubicon, and that only the conquerors made it back alive.
No comments:
Post a Comment