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They played another game of darts and generally let the topic of women, and specifically Rachel, drop for the time being. They talked about Ryan's wife and kids and how they were doing for a little while. Fred appreciated having the focus off of himself for the rest of the night. Ryan had been right about him and he knew it. It had been awhile since he had found anyone that he really clicked with and knew that he shouldn't let her go.
But one thing that Fred knew, was that old habits are hard to break. The reason he found it so hard to believe that Rachel had also had fun last Saturday was that Fred could remember all of the awkward things he had said and done. He could relive every time that he had made a joke that didn't land or the conversation got quiet. He could tell Ryan all about the fun he had singing karaoke, but the more he thought it over the more it seemed shaded by his awkwardness.
"Well, I think I should probably get home to Lauren. The kids are probably in bed by now and she will be too if I don't hurry," Ryan said.
"I suppose it's time to break up the party. I've got to make a call and get up for work in the morning," Fred replied. He wasn't sure that he would make the call tonight or even tomorrow, but thought that Ryan would appreciate having that thrown out there.
"Glad to hear it. You need a ride or anything?" Ryan asked.
"No, I'm okay. The bus will be stopping out front in a few minutes and I can get off a block from my apartment. Thanks for the offer though," Fred answered.
"Anytime. See you around."
"See ya."
As Fred waited for the bus, he couldn't get the worst moments from last Saturday out his mind. The part that really got to him was that somewhere deep inside himself he knew that none of it was really so bad. It was unlikely that Rachel remembered any of his so-called slip ups. He tried to remember anything that Rachel had done that seemed out of place or awkward. But that didn't really help. The fact that he couldn't remember anything only convinced him that she hadn't done it.
When the bus arrived, Fred pulled out his iPod and took a seat. He thought about why he couldn't let go of the most trivial moments in his past, and why he still got embarrassed over them. Like the time his first grade teacher yelled at him for something he'd never done. Or when he was laughed at in basketball practice in middle school because he wasn't any good. He started to think that these moments weren't all so trivial, but maybe just a pattern of allowing himself to be the victim. He wondered if being a victim was so central to the way he viewed himself that he cherished these sad memories as integral components of his identity.
But that didn't fit either. Sure, in some of his memories he was a victim of some kind, but not in all. There were too many incidents that haunted him that were embarrassing for what he had done himself. And even where he couldn't forget something that he did to good friend. "Any thought of being an eternal victim should probably be forgotten," he decided.
"If I'm going to call her and ask her out this weekend, I should try and feel better about how Saturday went," he though. He tried to remember the date with Rachel from an objective point of view, tried to see how Rachel might have remembered it. She was so excited to see him when they met back in the lobby to walk to the restaurant. She had more questions about his job and his life in Milwaukee. He asked her about what movies she had seen lately. So far this wasn't really helping.
Rachel had seemed very interested in him, and didn't mind asking him question after question. Maybe he hadn't asked enough questions in return? Or maybe that was just her way. Most questions he did ask got a brief answer out of her before she would turn it back on him. He remembered that one of his questions did get a longer, more personal answer from her. He had asked her, "When you were young, what did you want to do more than anything in the world?"
She had paused for a moment before answering and repeated the question to herself once under her breath. She began somewhat hesitantly, "I did most of my growing up in rural Iowa; we didn't actually move to Aurora until I was a teenager. As a little girl growing up I would wander through open fields and dream of getting out. The wide open spaces helped me imagine a vast world where I could accomplish anything I dream.
"I loved to study. I would read anything I could get my hands on, but I really loved geography. While my world was flat during the day, my dreams were filled with the Rockies and the Alps. Skiing sounded like heaven to me. I couldn't believe that anyone would choose to live in Iowa when there were places like Colorado. I would walk through corn fields and pretend it was a lush forest, and the tree tops visible over the rows of corn were distant peaks. I must have spent an entire summer wishing I could visit just once, that one visit would be enough.
"When we were ten my family took a trip out to Denver. We didn't have a lot of money which meant we drove about 700 miles. But you know, as a kid visiting new places and seeing new things, I didn't mind so much. I would fall asleep in the back of the car for an hour here and there, and then my brother and sister would end up waking me. Every time I would jump up and study the landscape around me, searching for a trace of mountain on the horizon.
"We crossed into Colorado and started to climb in elevation. The trees changed and so did the temperature as the miles counted down on the highway signs. I noticed the air changing and my ears started popping. My mom told us kids how to make it go away and treated us to chewing gum. So the three of sat in the back of the station wagon, mouths full of bubble gum, eyes rapt with the changing scenery.
"But I started having trouble breathing just outside of Denver. My dad explained that the air was thinner up there and I just needed to calm down and take deeper breaths. This helped a little, but I just couldn't catch up and I couldn't calm down. All I could focus on was breathing, deep breath in and out. But I still couldn't get it under control. When I started to cough, my parents started to worry as well. And after we checked into the hotel, my parents took us to the hospital.
"I had been diagnosed with asthma back in Iowa, but didn't really bother me. I would typically be able to just calm down and catch my breath for a minute or two. But with the thin air of the mountains I need the inhaler the doctor in Denver gave to me. It wasn't until our 4th day there that I could really start to enjoy it, and by then we only had a day left.
"I had been so excited to see the hills and mountains, really anything other than the plains and corn fields. But all I can remember from that vacation is how disappointed I was. I expected to be running and playing, but instead I was having to sit around and do nothing. I didn't dream about mountains anymore after that. I realized I wasn't meant to live there like I had always hoped.
"Wow, sorry. That took a little more serious turn than I had expected! Sorry, Fred. Hey! I think they are going to start karaoke. I've always wanted to do that, what do you say?"
Fred wasn't any closer to finding out why she liked him, but he knew that he had to call her. If there was any chance he could see Rachel again, he would make it happen.
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